As I sit here watching cartoon's with Brooklynn I just really feel like being lazy, another part of me really misses my mom this day, yesterday I seemed pretty alright, but today I know I have had a meltdown already, but I'm really trying to stay happy today. My mom wouldn't want these constant breakdowns. I am mostly happy that she is not in pain anymore, that is the only plus in this situation. She isnt feeling the constant pain and sickness of the cancer attacking her. But I am horrible saddened that she isnt here with me.
I'm sad she isnt here to spend time with Brooklynn and answer the phone call when I need her. She wont be there when I graduate college, something she wanted to see so bad. She wont be here when I have another child (whenever that is), and she wont be here to watch Brooklynn go to school and become all she can be. Thats the part that makes me sad. She is not physically here with me anymore.

Well just checking in, I'll post a tad more later, but off to write about "patient's rights to die." Oh I hope this turns out alright :)

3 years ago seems like worlds away

So Saturday we celebrated Brooklynn's 3rd Birthday. Niki let us have it at her house which was a god send, because I hate planning parties and having it there was just easy for everyone involved. Brooklynn had a wonderful time, and its almost as if in that one day where she went from 2 years old to 3 years old she became so much older in her demeanor and her attitude.
Sunday I went back to work and had a really good and peaceful day at work. I love my job. I used to think that Denny's was the best place to work. I met so many people, learned the new art of waitressing, cooking and managing a restaurant, but seriously, nothing can compare to TD's. I adore my boss, she has got to be the most amazing, kind hearted and she's pretty damn funny too! Everyone I work with is just nice, and I really just feel like everyone there is like my little family. I'm so glad that I finally found somewhere I am comfortable with, and enjoy being with the co-workers. Don't get me wrong the customers, they are equally amazing. So many people I see on a constant basis, and they are all just so sweet.
After closing up shop on Sunday I came home and relaxed with the family, and then went out to dinner with Niki and the family.
Today Chris, Brooklynn and I went to eat, the mall to get some new earrings to hopefully help my infections, then off to Caulder's Dairy. Hilarious Brooklynn so wanted to go but didnt want to get near the animals. The cutest little sheep baby was there, and sucked on our fingers like a bottle.
And with that..... here's some pictures!

 

waving the white flag

After years of fighting I've basically said enough is enough....

All I want is happiness and to be treated like I'm worth something. Instead my thoughts are always discarded and anything I say doesnt matter. Its not fair to know that no matter how much I say and how different I say it the words dont matter much. I've tried reason, I've tried ignoring, I've come to screaming and yelling, and no matter what nothing works. I spent years trying to be the one that was worth it. Finally in the end I'm not even treated the way I deserve to be. So I give up, waving the flag of surrender.

I just wish things were different. If I had known this was gonna happen, I'd have done this before.

and my conclusion is....

I feel like my life is continually spiraling out of control. It's almost as if no matter what I do, no matter how I go about things and no matter what it is I say nothing happens the way I want it. I'm fed up with the fact that my life and my family are not nearly as important as others. Its sad that this is supposed  to be family, maybe not my family but still family all the same. I hate that when I stood up for something and decided it had to be the time that I was called names and told how someone else helped much more than I did, when as a matter of fact I am the reason things are the way the are, I am the reason this family is still together and this family still has everything it needs. I'm the reason that other's are still doing good in their life, and yet I'm the bad person?
Yet what hurts the worst is that the one person that I expected to be there for me, that I expected to stand up for me sat there and didn't care about what was said about me, sat there and acted like it wasn't wrong of the other person. Slowly and surely I'm gaining my strength, and it will be here in due time. I hope that when it finally does that people are ready for the big changes. I don't see any of this being fair, and if someone else continues to see it as OK then I guess they are in for a rude awakening in the end being gone and out of sight. I hope then they sit back and think "was it really worth it?" because I am the only one that stood by their side and took what they gave, no matter how big it was or how bad it hurt. I'm the only one that stuck by them and they are disappointing me the most. :(

no introductions needed....

I need to remember this blog is here and to write in it... So lets talk a little about the family :)

This is my brother and I. This is during the Breast Cancer walk we did last year. I'm glad we did this, and I'm glad to have my big brother around. He really is an amazing guy, and makes me proud. 

Cant you tell he loves me :)

Well that's what I'd like to think is going on. What really is going on here is he's telling me, "Don't tell mom on me when you get older." Sad thing is.... I didn't listen.

This is the boy-friend Christopher. We've been together for 7 years now. There's been some bad, but mostly good. We're still going strong.

Oh my Daddy... He is the numero uno man in my life. He's here for me when I need him and loves me unconditionally.

Noah, Brooklynn and Dylan (Buggy). These boys mean ton's to me. I'll always be Auntie 'Ren and when they want to run from their Mommy and Daddy, I'll be right here for them :)

Syndey, look at this pretty girl, she can't help but melt your heart. I know she'll want me sometime because those two boys above are her brothers, heck I'd run too.

And obviously I've written about this women so much you probably already know so much about her.

This woman is my rock and I miss her more than anyone can know. What I would not give for one more hug, one more I love you. 

<3

bringing back the rain

I haven't written on here in a while, and I know that it could help me more than I can really ever see.
The past couple of day's after work I've come home to watch television shows on my DVR, old ones, I mean like last year old. I guess after mom, and then school and work at the same time I hadn't had the time.
Sometimes I think about my mom watching these shows, how we'd watch them together. I hate that life just continues. It's a never ending thing and my mom is missing out on so much. Life, television shows, new movies, farmville... lol, she really loved it. I'm hating it. Brooklynn's birthday is coming up and sadly I just haven't really felt like planning a party, I dont feel like going on right now without my mom. She didnt get to go to Brooklynn's 2nd birthday either. I am beginning to break again and I hate it.

Easter festivities

Here in this house easter festivities have started, and yes I know it's a little late. We colored eggs today, and Brooklynn had a great time. Better late than never though, I finished off her easter basket goodies today and just have to put it together tonight after she's asleep. The easter bunny will be stopping by in the morning to hide all these colorful eggs for us to find, which will be fun this year because I think Brooklynn can finally understand the concept.
Tomorrow were going to enjoy a wonderful day at church, it's been quite a while since I've been to church, but my brother is going and we are tagging along. Then off to my future sister-in-law's families house for Easter dinner. I appreciate very much that her family and her invited Chris and I to dinner this year. I'm a little sad my mom wont be here this year to celebrate, I'm sure she'd love to see Brooklynn dig into a basket and eat a good dinner together. It's days like this that I miss my mom more and more. I miss her each day, do not get me wrong, but on holiday's its a bit harder because she used to be the rock that held us together. Dinners were not always traditional but they were always good and we all were together for that.

i live for the moments with you

So after a long great day at work, all I hear now is bubble guppies on nick jr and Brooklynn so excited about it being on, goodness I didn't even know she knew what this show was. I'm ultimately amazed at how much she has changed in almost 3 years of life. I knew that people always told me, don't take it for granted, and enjoy it, but seeing it first hand its the truth. It seem's like just yesterday I was holding a brand new baby in my arms. The moment I held her for the first time I knew that she'd be the best friend I'd ever need. Nearly 3 years later my little one barely lets me cuddle with her unless she got hurt but it doesn't matter it's amazing to see her grow and become a "big-girl" each and every day. I wouldn't take one moment of my life back because of her. I know that in 13 years she's gonna be the same girl I was at 16, wanting to go out and spend time with her friends, but for these moments of her sitting next to me enjoying the weirdest shows on tv, and telling me all kinds of crazy stories, I'm perfectly happy with life.
Brooklynn-
You will probably never read this, by the time you do and can completely understand the words that are written and the love I've had for you this blog probably wont be much, but you are the most amazing beautiful loving little girl I have ever been around. Your blue eyes always find a way into my heart on a daily basis, and you at 2 1/2 even know how to bat your eyes just right to get exactly what you want. Your fingers may be small but you have mommy and daddy wrapped right around the littlest one you have. You have become exactly what I wanted you to be and much much more. Always do what you want, and strive for everything you wish for. The world is yours, take it for what it is, sometimes it can be an ugly place, but with you in it, its that much more beautiful for me.
I love you peanut.
Mommy.

sharp knife of a short life.

At such a "young" age of 25 years, I've seen many things I don't think people should see in such a short time here on earth. I don't know how long its going to take to finally be "o.k." with my mom being gone. I have days where  I wake up knowing my mom is gone, but managing to get through the day being alright, work and Brooklynn help a bit, but theres more days out of the month that I wake up and all I can think about is my mom not being here. I miss her voice, I miss my phone ringing and my cell phone saying Mom or my tv flashing Terri Tuszynski. I am not sure how there is ever going to be a moment in time where a switch will get flicked and I'll be ok. I hate how people says "she's in a better place" or "it'll get easier" who can really say that this place isnt the best place to be, with her family, enjoying life. Screw that it'll get easier, I cringe and say thank you, but what I'd really like to do at that moment is scream "go f*ck yourself." I'm pretty sure that wont help with my case but it's what I'd really like to say to people.
On a side note I went outside to smoke today when I woke up. I know its not a big thing to other people but to me, the one that lost her mother, its gigantic. My mom used to say "see a penny, pick it up, all day you'll have good luck" then pick up a penny, heads up only, and put it in her pocket, or later on in life tell me to pick it up. So while outside on the porch I was playing on my phone enjoying the weather and I look to my left and there's a penny facing up right next to me. I am not 100% sure it was there when I walked out, I assume it was, but it was just a huge sign to me that my mom is still there with me. I enjoy those moments when I can close my eyes and invision my mom's beautiful smile, or even her yelling at me, or calling me to ask to bring her a smoothie. </3 I miss you momma.

Im not sure how I make it though the days without your guidance, but I'm sure as hell trying, and I am only hoping and praying you'd be proud of me.

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother

I just started my new composition class and I had to look through my older comp papers I had written, and I found this I wrote about my mom. We had to write a descriptive paper, one that would make a reader almost feel as if they were there. I knew I wrote about it, but re-reading it just makes me sad, but stronger, because I know my mom would be completely amazed at the woman I've grown into, and the accomplishments I have made in school. So I wanna share.

A Mother’s Legacy

            Mother’s are the most important person in your life, I as a 25 year old can see that more than ever now.  I recently lost my mother to breast cancer after a 15 year battle with the awful disease.  I’ve learned since I was very young the disease is awful and it affects everyone.  I didn’t realize that it really does affect people more than we all know.  I remember when I was 10, my older brother Danny and I came home from school, and my dad and mom sat us down in our living room, they sat on our old brown couch, and had Danny and I sit down on the soft carpet.  Mom told us “I have cancer” those words didn’t really mean anything to me at the time, I knew nothing of the word, I was just assured it wasn’t good, but mom would do her best to fight.

            Sitting with my mom last month I remembered her words perfectly, I stared at her laying in bed, watching as she slept away her last few weeks, I remember being angry and upset that cancer had to affect my life, my mother.  While staring off in space, I started to play back the last few years, the ups and downs she had and how I had no other option but to be my mom’s helping hand, her backbone to say the least.  A few years ago, my mom let out her secret that she didn’t think that she would see my brother and I grow up.  Amazingly she beat the odds, and lasted a long 15 years; she was a hero to many people.  I started to think about the days she would receive chemo and later on that night we would be sitting around and she’d start to get tired or sick and in a few days she’d be better.  I never thought anyone could stand dealing with that, but she proved to me that if you’re tough enough or willed enough you can withstand anything.

            My mother had grown very frail in her last few years, but one of the best things I gave to her was my daughter, having my little girl gave my mom a whole new hope, something to live for, and for two years she spent time watching her grow. Seeing my mom happy with Brooklynn made me feel like I accomplished what I could for her. I received a GED and started college and my mom was so happy for me. I lived with my mom for a while, and she knew that her life wasn’t going to continue for much longer, so she told me I needed to get out and start my life and be independent so I wouldn’t be in a hole when she passed away. After moving out I would visit with my mom quite a bit and then visited her in her hospice facility every chance I could. Seeing her lying in that bed, growing weaker and weaker as the days went by it hurt greatly. At the end, my brother and I spent the last 4 days with her as much as we could. The last day we sat with her all day and made sure we told her we loved her. I will never forget the feeling of my mom passing away and sitting there holding her hand as she made her transition. I at least can live with the thought that she had her two friends, her two children with her until the end making sure she knew that we were going to be ok. I know that for a while this will feel like the worst thing that could have ever happened to me, but I know that my mom loved me and that I made her proud and that’s all I can hope for in the end.

            Mother’s are your best friend, your security blanket when you are scared, and no matter what they will always be there for you or with you. I will miss mine each and every day and the only advice to offer to others is that you should call your mom and talk to her as much as you can, because there will be a day when you cannot pick up the phone and call her.

Ready for the Robins...

Sunday, Chris, Brooklynn and I jumped in my brother's car and took a trip down to the Imagination Station in Toledo. It was quite a bit of fun, and of course Brooklynn had a field day in there. It makes me want to jump in the car and go to the Please Touch Museum in Pennsylvania, because I know she'd just love it there.
After the museum we went over to Tony Packo's and had some lunch, that place was pretty good.
Brooklynn is still growing and getting smarter as the days go on. She randomly says things that I didnt know she could. Will tell me answers to stuff that makes me chuckle a little bit. The other day she took all her crayons and put them in piles of colors.
Work was great today. I love the people I work with and for. I cant wait for this term of school is over with. Im doing better than I ever thought in school I'm sure my mom would be nothing but proud of me. Wish she was still here so I could show her my grades and have her see me progress in school. She was so proud when I enrolled and started college. I'm glad she at least got to see that.
I started thinking on the way down to the museum about how I should have just stayed home with her more often, not worried about spending time with my friends all the time, and just relaxed and watched some tv or a movie with her. I still wish I could pick up the phone and talk to her. I dont think this is ever going to get easier, its actually getting harder as the day's go on. But time really seems to be flying. It's been a little over 6 months now and it still feels like yesterday. :(

Goodbye January, Hello February

So I'm sitting here getting ready for bed, sadly I know I should have gone to bed a good 3 hours ago, it really stinks that I get so tired after work that I take a 2 hour nap. I know I'll be regretting it in the morning when I hear the "eeee eeee eeee" of my alarm clock waking me up reminding me that I can't be lazy anymore and have to get out and go to freaking work in the negative temp.
Which reminds me, when exactly is summer again, no nevermind, I'll take Spring, I dislike the cold, but I really cant stand super hot gotta stay inside weather too. Brooklynn's been begging me to go outside and ride her bike. I'd take her out in the snow, but remember my last statement, I dislike the cold.
So anyways, if you've been following facebook updates, I got a job not that long ago, perfect timing and this time I'd like to thank Craigslist for it. Only thing its done good for me. I didnt realize how much I truly miss Denny's and waiting on tables until I went back to work. I was hired in as a cook, but my "passion" is being out with the customers, taking their orders, hearing stories. Today was the best actually. A couple came in from secretary of state and when I told them to enjoy their meal the lady told me I was the sweetest. Then said they'd be back to see me, I really felt accomplished for the day. Only thing I dont like.... getting up early. My days have been kind of hectic, I go to work, I get home and love on my little one who always misses mommy at work, then I do some homework, and when I finish that, (it pains me to say this) I play a little world of warcraft.
Ok, I guess I should explain this. I hate this game, really I do. I had broken up with Chris on countless occasions because of this game, and one day I sat down and played Brooklynn's character she jumps around on and then I got my own little account. Yeh it really pains me to say I play this game now. Alright enough of that. I need to get to bed and quit talking about this, haha.
Tomorrow its time to finish some psychology and anatomy and physiology, ugh yeh not looking forward to that.

Brand new year, same old sadness

It's the start of the brand new year, I've ruined my new years resolution to quit smoking probably 10 minutes after the ball dropped. I also think (even though everyone says no) I ruined the New Year's Party I was at. It's a very devastating feeling to wear the bracelet your mom's ashes are in and then to look at it and see the end cap has come off and obviously the ashes have fallen out. So tomorrow I will have to get with the funeral home who still has some of my mother's ashes and have them refill it and then take the rest of the ashes to be home with me.
I also realize in the car driving home, I dont believe what anyone says about it getting easier over time to deal with the loss of a parent. I now see why my dad still has sadness over the loss of his mother. It doesn't get any easier to be here, healthy, happy and with family and friends when the one person you could turn to is no longer with us. My mom lived a long life, one that was a battle each and every day for 15 years. The hardest part for me to wrap my head around is people who dont ever do any wrong are punished for nothing, but people who hurt others and do wrong in life skate through with no consequences.
The person who was my rock, the one I could go to when I needed something, or someone to talk talk is gone. I cant deal with that, there are plenty of times I've wanted to pick up the phone and just call my mom, then I remember she's not here anymore. I can talk to her all I want, like everyone says, she can still hear you, but she cant talk back, and thats what I need the most. Her voice, her smile, her telling me it will all be ok.