I have since decided to start writing in a blog again. Not for anyone else's purpose but for my own agenda, to better be able to get some words out of my head.

This blog is going to serve more than one purpose - to put my thoughts out, to document my life, and the life of my now 4 year old daughter. I need to give her something to look back on and say "gee, my life was good." Through writing this blog I want to keep track on my reading (I am glad I finally came back to this), my growing daughter, my everyday life, and the possibility of saving to soon have a home (not a townhouse).

I have just found Goodreads and have since been using that to find new books to read.

Currently I am reading two books (yeh that doesn't sound right), but I have been reading Gabby the story of Gabrielle Giffords. It is very interesting but if I feel that I'm getting bored I have cut over to Bared to You by Sylvia Day. I am thoroughly interested in Gabby so I'll probably end up sticking with that.

I am currently half-way through my first term of my Bachelor's degree and that's just crazy to me! 

Brooklynn has just gotten over being sick and we are all well in this house now!

My brother's wedding is in less than a month, and Brooklynn is so excited to be walking down the aisle as a flower girl.

That's about all the updates right now - so I leave you with this.

                                                My Heart <3

Organization

I have always wanted to own my own home. Its something I really wanted to do, and I know that my debt is horrible, my credit score is so below the norm right now. I contacted a mortgage broker and we discussed ways for me to get the score up and once that happens we are gonna start working to getting a home.
So since that is my plan I am going to restart this blog in my hope to own a home and rebuild my credit.
I have a few things that I have decided to start doing.
First the $5 savings plan that I found here.
I have not put my money into the bank at all, so I found this and will put my $5 in an envelope, and the rest of my money for bills in another. After that I will put what I make over the amount per day and will put that in another envelope to use toward paying off my debt. Lets see how we work out over the month.
Here's to hoping and dreaming of a house to call my own!

As I sit here watching cartoon's with Brooklynn I just really feel like being lazy, another part of me really misses my mom this day, yesterday I seemed pretty alright, but today I know I have had a meltdown already, but I'm really trying to stay happy today. My mom wouldn't want these constant breakdowns. I am mostly happy that she is not in pain anymore, that is the only plus in this situation. She isnt feeling the constant pain and sickness of the cancer attacking her. But I am horrible saddened that she isnt here with me.
I'm sad she isnt here to spend time with Brooklynn and answer the phone call when I need her. She wont be there when I graduate college, something she wanted to see so bad. She wont be here when I have another child (whenever that is), and she wont be here to watch Brooklynn go to school and become all she can be. Thats the part that makes me sad. She is not physically here with me anymore.

Well just checking in, I'll post a tad more later, but off to write about "patient's rights to die." Oh I hope this turns out alright :)

3 years ago seems like worlds away

So Saturday we celebrated Brooklynn's 3rd Birthday. Niki let us have it at her house which was a god send, because I hate planning parties and having it there was just easy for everyone involved. Brooklynn had a wonderful time, and its almost as if in that one day where she went from 2 years old to 3 years old she became so much older in her demeanor and her attitude.
Sunday I went back to work and had a really good and peaceful day at work. I love my job. I used to think that Denny's was the best place to work. I met so many people, learned the new art of waitressing, cooking and managing a restaurant, but seriously, nothing can compare to TD's. I adore my boss, she has got to be the most amazing, kind hearted and she's pretty damn funny too! Everyone I work with is just nice, and I really just feel like everyone there is like my little family. I'm so glad that I finally found somewhere I am comfortable with, and enjoy being with the co-workers. Don't get me wrong the customers, they are equally amazing. So many people I see on a constant basis, and they are all just so sweet.
After closing up shop on Sunday I came home and relaxed with the family, and then went out to dinner with Niki and the family.
Today Chris, Brooklynn and I went to eat, the mall to get some new earrings to hopefully help my infections, then off to Caulder's Dairy. Hilarious Brooklynn so wanted to go but didnt want to get near the animals. The cutest little sheep baby was there, and sucked on our fingers like a bottle.
And with that..... here's some pictures!

 

waving the white flag

After years of fighting I've basically said enough is enough....

All I want is happiness and to be treated like I'm worth something. Instead my thoughts are always discarded and anything I say doesnt matter. Its not fair to know that no matter how much I say and how different I say it the words dont matter much. I've tried reason, I've tried ignoring, I've come to screaming and yelling, and no matter what nothing works. I spent years trying to be the one that was worth it. Finally in the end I'm not even treated the way I deserve to be. So I give up, waving the flag of surrender.

I just wish things were different. If I had known this was gonna happen, I'd have done this before.

and my conclusion is....

I feel like my life is continually spiraling out of control. It's almost as if no matter what I do, no matter how I go about things and no matter what it is I say nothing happens the way I want it. I'm fed up with the fact that my life and my family are not nearly as important as others. Its sad that this is supposed  to be family, maybe not my family but still family all the same. I hate that when I stood up for something and decided it had to be the time that I was called names and told how someone else helped much more than I did, when as a matter of fact I am the reason things are the way the are, I am the reason this family is still together and this family still has everything it needs. I'm the reason that other's are still doing good in their life, and yet I'm the bad person?
Yet what hurts the worst is that the one person that I expected to be there for me, that I expected to stand up for me sat there and didn't care about what was said about me, sat there and acted like it wasn't wrong of the other person. Slowly and surely I'm gaining my strength, and it will be here in due time. I hope that when it finally does that people are ready for the big changes. I don't see any of this being fair, and if someone else continues to see it as OK then I guess they are in for a rude awakening in the end being gone and out of sight. I hope then they sit back and think "was it really worth it?" because I am the only one that stood by their side and took what they gave, no matter how big it was or how bad it hurt. I'm the only one that stuck by them and they are disappointing me the most. :(

no introductions needed....

I need to remember this blog is here and to write in it... So lets talk a little about the family :)

This is my brother and I. This is during the Breast Cancer walk we did last year. I'm glad we did this, and I'm glad to have my big brother around. He really is an amazing guy, and makes me proud. 

Cant you tell he loves me :)

Well that's what I'd like to think is going on. What really is going on here is he's telling me, "Don't tell mom on me when you get older." Sad thing is.... I didn't listen.

This is the boy-friend Christopher. We've been together for 7 years now. There's been some bad, but mostly good. We're still going strong.

Oh my Daddy... He is the numero uno man in my life. He's here for me when I need him and loves me unconditionally.

Noah, Brooklynn and Dylan (Buggy). These boys mean ton's to me. I'll always be Auntie 'Ren and when they want to run from their Mommy and Daddy, I'll be right here for them :)

Syndey, look at this pretty girl, she can't help but melt your heart. I know she'll want me sometime because those two boys above are her brothers, heck I'd run too.

And obviously I've written about this women so much you probably already know so much about her.

This woman is my rock and I miss her more than anyone can know. What I would not give for one more hug, one more I love you. 

<3