sharp knife of a short life.

At such a "young" age of 25 years, I've seen many things I don't think people should see in such a short time here on earth. I don't know how long its going to take to finally be "o.k." with my mom being gone. I have days where  I wake up knowing my mom is gone, but managing to get through the day being alright, work and Brooklynn help a bit, but theres more days out of the month that I wake up and all I can think about is my mom not being here. I miss her voice, I miss my phone ringing and my cell phone saying Mom or my tv flashing Terri Tuszynski. I am not sure how there is ever going to be a moment in time where a switch will get flicked and I'll be ok. I hate how people says "she's in a better place" or "it'll get easier" who can really say that this place isnt the best place to be, with her family, enjoying life. Screw that it'll get easier, I cringe and say thank you, but what I'd really like to do at that moment is scream "go f*ck yourself." I'm pretty sure that wont help with my case but it's what I'd really like to say to people.
On a side note I went outside to smoke today when I woke up. I know its not a big thing to other people but to me, the one that lost her mother, its gigantic. My mom used to say "see a penny, pick it up, all day you'll have good luck" then pick up a penny, heads up only, and put it in her pocket, or later on in life tell me to pick it up. So while outside on the porch I was playing on my phone enjoying the weather and I look to my left and there's a penny facing up right next to me. I am not 100% sure it was there when I walked out, I assume it was, but it was just a huge sign to me that my mom is still there with me. I enjoy those moments when I can close my eyes and invision my mom's beautiful smile, or even her yelling at me, or calling me to ask to bring her a smoothie. </3 I miss you momma.

Im not sure how I make it though the days without your guidance, but I'm sure as hell trying, and I am only hoping and praying you'd be proud of me.