It's the start of the brand new year, I've ruined my new years resolution to quit smoking probably 10 minutes after the ball dropped. I also think (even though everyone says no) I ruined the New Year's Party I was at. It's a very devastating feeling to wear the bracelet your mom's ashes are in and then to look at it and see the end cap has come off and obviously the ashes have fallen out. So tomorrow I will have to get with the funeral home who still has some of my mother's ashes and have them refill it and then take the rest of the ashes to be home with me.
I also realize in the car driving home, I dont believe what anyone says about it getting easier over time to deal with the loss of a parent. I now see why my dad still has sadness over the loss of his mother. It doesn't get any easier to be here, healthy, happy and with family and friends when the one person you could turn to is no longer with us. My mom lived a long life, one that was a battle each and every day for 15 years. The hardest part for me to wrap my head around is people who dont ever do any wrong are punished for nothing, but people who hurt others and do wrong in life skate through with no consequences.
The person who was my rock, the one I could go to when I needed something, or someone to talk talk is gone. I cant deal with that, there are plenty of times I've wanted to pick up the phone and just call my mom, then I remember she's not here anymore. I can talk to her all I want, like everyone says, she can still hear you, but she cant talk back, and thats what I need the most. Her voice, her smile, her telling me it will all be ok.
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