As I sit here watching cartoon's with Brooklynn I just really feel like being lazy, another part of me really misses my mom this day, yesterday I seemed pretty alright, but today I know I have had a meltdown already, but I'm really trying to stay happy today. My mom wouldn't want these constant breakdowns. I am mostly happy that she is not in pain anymore, that is the only plus in this situation. She isnt feeling the constant pain and sickness of the cancer attacking her. But I am horrible saddened that she isnt here with me.
I'm sad she isnt here to spend time with Brooklynn and answer the phone call when I need her. She wont be there when I graduate college, something she wanted to see so bad. She wont be here when I have another child (whenever that is), and she wont be here to watch Brooklynn go to school and become all she can be. Thats the part that makes me sad. She is not physically here with me anymore.

Well just checking in, I'll post a tad more later, but off to write about "patient's rights to die." Oh I hope this turns out alright :)

3 years ago seems like worlds away

So Saturday we celebrated Brooklynn's 3rd Birthday. Niki let us have it at her house which was a god send, because I hate planning parties and having it there was just easy for everyone involved. Brooklynn had a wonderful time, and its almost as if in that one day where she went from 2 years old to 3 years old she became so much older in her demeanor and her attitude.
Sunday I went back to work and had a really good and peaceful day at work. I love my job. I used to think that Denny's was the best place to work. I met so many people, learned the new art of waitressing, cooking and managing a restaurant, but seriously, nothing can compare to TD's. I adore my boss, she has got to be the most amazing, kind hearted and she's pretty damn funny too! Everyone I work with is just nice, and I really just feel like everyone there is like my little family. I'm so glad that I finally found somewhere I am comfortable with, and enjoy being with the co-workers. Don't get me wrong the customers, they are equally amazing. So many people I see on a constant basis, and they are all just so sweet.
After closing up shop on Sunday I came home and relaxed with the family, and then went out to dinner with Niki and the family.
Today Chris, Brooklynn and I went to eat, the mall to get some new earrings to hopefully help my infections, then off to Caulder's Dairy. Hilarious Brooklynn so wanted to go but didnt want to get near the animals. The cutest little sheep baby was there, and sucked on our fingers like a bottle.
And with that..... here's some pictures!

 

waving the white flag

After years of fighting I've basically said enough is enough....

All I want is happiness and to be treated like I'm worth something. Instead my thoughts are always discarded and anything I say doesnt matter. Its not fair to know that no matter how much I say and how different I say it the words dont matter much. I've tried reason, I've tried ignoring, I've come to screaming and yelling, and no matter what nothing works. I spent years trying to be the one that was worth it. Finally in the end I'm not even treated the way I deserve to be. So I give up, waving the flag of surrender.

I just wish things were different. If I had known this was gonna happen, I'd have done this before.