Easter festivities

Here in this house easter festivities have started, and yes I know it's a little late. We colored eggs today, and Brooklynn had a great time. Better late than never though, I finished off her easter basket goodies today and just have to put it together tonight after she's asleep. The easter bunny will be stopping by in the morning to hide all these colorful eggs for us to find, which will be fun this year because I think Brooklynn can finally understand the concept.
Tomorrow were going to enjoy a wonderful day at church, it's been quite a while since I've been to church, but my brother is going and we are tagging along. Then off to my future sister-in-law's families house for Easter dinner. I appreciate very much that her family and her invited Chris and I to dinner this year. I'm a little sad my mom wont be here this year to celebrate, I'm sure she'd love to see Brooklynn dig into a basket and eat a good dinner together. It's days like this that I miss my mom more and more. I miss her each day, do not get me wrong, but on holiday's its a bit harder because she used to be the rock that held us together. Dinners were not always traditional but they were always good and we all were together for that.

i live for the moments with you

So after a long great day at work, all I hear now is bubble guppies on nick jr and Brooklynn so excited about it being on, goodness I didn't even know she knew what this show was. I'm ultimately amazed at how much she has changed in almost 3 years of life. I knew that people always told me, don't take it for granted, and enjoy it, but seeing it first hand its the truth. It seem's like just yesterday I was holding a brand new baby in my arms. The moment I held her for the first time I knew that she'd be the best friend I'd ever need. Nearly 3 years later my little one barely lets me cuddle with her unless she got hurt but it doesn't matter it's amazing to see her grow and become a "big-girl" each and every day. I wouldn't take one moment of my life back because of her. I know that in 13 years she's gonna be the same girl I was at 16, wanting to go out and spend time with her friends, but for these moments of her sitting next to me enjoying the weirdest shows on tv, and telling me all kinds of crazy stories, I'm perfectly happy with life.
Brooklynn-
You will probably never read this, by the time you do and can completely understand the words that are written and the love I've had for you this blog probably wont be much, but you are the most amazing beautiful loving little girl I have ever been around. Your blue eyes always find a way into my heart on a daily basis, and you at 2 1/2 even know how to bat your eyes just right to get exactly what you want. Your fingers may be small but you have mommy and daddy wrapped right around the littlest one you have. You have become exactly what I wanted you to be and much much more. Always do what you want, and strive for everything you wish for. The world is yours, take it for what it is, sometimes it can be an ugly place, but with you in it, its that much more beautiful for me.
I love you peanut.
Mommy.

sharp knife of a short life.

At such a "young" age of 25 years, I've seen many things I don't think people should see in such a short time here on earth. I don't know how long its going to take to finally be "o.k." with my mom being gone. I have days where  I wake up knowing my mom is gone, but managing to get through the day being alright, work and Brooklynn help a bit, but theres more days out of the month that I wake up and all I can think about is my mom not being here. I miss her voice, I miss my phone ringing and my cell phone saying Mom or my tv flashing Terri Tuszynski. I am not sure how there is ever going to be a moment in time where a switch will get flicked and I'll be ok. I hate how people says "she's in a better place" or "it'll get easier" who can really say that this place isnt the best place to be, with her family, enjoying life. Screw that it'll get easier, I cringe and say thank you, but what I'd really like to do at that moment is scream "go f*ck yourself." I'm pretty sure that wont help with my case but it's what I'd really like to say to people.
On a side note I went outside to smoke today when I woke up. I know its not a big thing to other people but to me, the one that lost her mother, its gigantic. My mom used to say "see a penny, pick it up, all day you'll have good luck" then pick up a penny, heads up only, and put it in her pocket, or later on in life tell me to pick it up. So while outside on the porch I was playing on my phone enjoying the weather and I look to my left and there's a penny facing up right next to me. I am not 100% sure it was there when I walked out, I assume it was, but it was just a huge sign to me that my mom is still there with me. I enjoy those moments when I can close my eyes and invision my mom's beautiful smile, or even her yelling at me, or calling me to ask to bring her a smoothie. </3 I miss you momma.

Im not sure how I make it though the days without your guidance, but I'm sure as hell trying, and I am only hoping and praying you'd be proud of me.

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother

I just started my new composition class and I had to look through my older comp papers I had written, and I found this I wrote about my mom. We had to write a descriptive paper, one that would make a reader almost feel as if they were there. I knew I wrote about it, but re-reading it just makes me sad, but stronger, because I know my mom would be completely amazed at the woman I've grown into, and the accomplishments I have made in school. So I wanna share.

A Mother’s Legacy

            Mother’s are the most important person in your life, I as a 25 year old can see that more than ever now.  I recently lost my mother to breast cancer after a 15 year battle with the awful disease.  I’ve learned since I was very young the disease is awful and it affects everyone.  I didn’t realize that it really does affect people more than we all know.  I remember when I was 10, my older brother Danny and I came home from school, and my dad and mom sat us down in our living room, they sat on our old brown couch, and had Danny and I sit down on the soft carpet.  Mom told us “I have cancer” those words didn’t really mean anything to me at the time, I knew nothing of the word, I was just assured it wasn’t good, but mom would do her best to fight.

            Sitting with my mom last month I remembered her words perfectly, I stared at her laying in bed, watching as she slept away her last few weeks, I remember being angry and upset that cancer had to affect my life, my mother.  While staring off in space, I started to play back the last few years, the ups and downs she had and how I had no other option but to be my mom’s helping hand, her backbone to say the least.  A few years ago, my mom let out her secret that she didn’t think that she would see my brother and I grow up.  Amazingly she beat the odds, and lasted a long 15 years; she was a hero to many people.  I started to think about the days she would receive chemo and later on that night we would be sitting around and she’d start to get tired or sick and in a few days she’d be better.  I never thought anyone could stand dealing with that, but she proved to me that if you’re tough enough or willed enough you can withstand anything.

            My mother had grown very frail in her last few years, but one of the best things I gave to her was my daughter, having my little girl gave my mom a whole new hope, something to live for, and for two years she spent time watching her grow. Seeing my mom happy with Brooklynn made me feel like I accomplished what I could for her. I received a GED and started college and my mom was so happy for me. I lived with my mom for a while, and she knew that her life wasn’t going to continue for much longer, so she told me I needed to get out and start my life and be independent so I wouldn’t be in a hole when she passed away. After moving out I would visit with my mom quite a bit and then visited her in her hospice facility every chance I could. Seeing her lying in that bed, growing weaker and weaker as the days went by it hurt greatly. At the end, my brother and I spent the last 4 days with her as much as we could. The last day we sat with her all day and made sure we told her we loved her. I will never forget the feeling of my mom passing away and sitting there holding her hand as she made her transition. I at least can live with the thought that she had her two friends, her two children with her until the end making sure she knew that we were going to be ok. I know that for a while this will feel like the worst thing that could have ever happened to me, but I know that my mom loved me and that I made her proud and that’s all I can hope for in the end.

            Mother’s are your best friend, your security blanket when you are scared, and no matter what they will always be there for you or with you. I will miss mine each and every day and the only advice to offer to others is that you should call your mom and talk to her as much as you can, because there will be a day when you cannot pick up the phone and call her.